Den of Dissociation

I might feel like this forever and that scares the shit out of me. I think I could stare out into the world blankly and never move again. My eyes feel like they will hold a permanent hazy gaze from this point on. I'm not certain, and that's what feels so confusing, but I worry that I might never feel the same again and that a part of my soul has been fractured off eternally. The world feels evil at this point, and I don't think I will ever feel safe or truly content. It feels like I've slipped into a dissociation that I might never wake up from and it's a cruel way to live. I'm barely hungry anymore, and nothing brings me joy. I'm writhing internally with listless anxiety, searching for anything to end this nightmare. Everything hurts. I'm next to hopeless at this point. I've never been truly loved, and I feel like human sewage. The guilt hangs over me like a dense fog. So much to say, but nothing at all. I've said it all before. I don't know that I can do this much longer.

Why do I feel this way?

Why is this me? The depths of my undulating self-loathing cast against the backdrop of zealous self pride. I feel as though I live my life wearing a mask split in half,